Ho, Ho, Hectic!

It's Wednesday and that means only 1 1/2 days of school after this until Christmas break! I'm so ready for the break and time with my family. John put up the icicle lights this weekend. After two days of switching cords and rearranging strings that weren't working, they are finally working and they are beautiful! We're all proud of the way our house looks this season.

It's been hectic with school band and orchestra concerts (although I love seeing the girls play), piano students, work, church, preparing for Christmas, shopping and getting gifts ready for extended family/co-workers/students, etc. Most days I start at 5:30 a.m. and don't stop doing things until I go to bed. Things have been a little stressful at church, too, as there are some issues of division and negativity that we are trying to deal with.

Yesterday I was about to melt-down. John was at a meeting. I was being pretty irritable with the girls. I needed to make some cookies to bring to work today (it was my group's turn to provide goodies). Kristine offered to help me. I told her I was feeling stressed and apologized for being so grumpy. She said, "The best thing for you to do is pray, Mom." Then she told me, "Everyone has grumpy days, Mom, it's okay." I hugged her and kissed her. God blessed me through her loving words. She is something else! Then while we rolled cookie rough with our hands and squished Hershey kisses into the warm cookie balls, we made silly jokes and laughed. It was wonderful. I've been reading "The Lion, Witch and Wardrobe" to her at bedtime, a chapter a night and that's been really fun, too.

Each time I start to have a pity party for feeling stressed, behind on my to-do list, or short on money to cover obligations, God reminds me how blessed I am! Then I humbly return to His lap and ask His forgiveness. It's true. If I started counting all the blessings in my life, I could go on and on. Even though things are "tight", we have such a nice home - a palace compared to most in the world. We have food every day to eat and our vehicles, though in need of some attention, are running and really nice compared to lots I see around town that are about to fall apart! I have such an amazingly loving family and parents that gave me a legacy of love and knowing Jesus. I have my health, which is an especially bittersweet reminder when I think of my friend's niece who recently died of breast cancer (she was my age) and another friend of mine in Las Cruces is going through chemotherapy for it.

With all the debates over saying "Merry Christmas" and trying to figure out what my role is in those issues, the thing that's been ringing in my heart is that Jesus did come and He lives in us and we need to share that love with everyone, believer or not. I'm full of that love right now. Thank you, Lord!

Christmastime is Here

I'm praying to keep my focus on Christ and not get caught up in the stressful materialism in the stores.

We put up the tree last night, but hav yet to put on the ornaments. We have all kinds of fun, Christmasy stuff that will be put out all around the house, adding to the festive atmosphere. To top it off, it's cold and cloudy outside. Good weather to stay in and decorate. ~contented smile~

I'm off to Target ~grin~ to buy some gift cards for a few nieces and nephews, then home to finish up around the house. It's nice to have a quiet afternoon to do as I please. Thank you, Lord!

To Target, or not to Target?

It's my fault. I prayed that God would keep me humble. Don't EVER pray for that! Don't pray for patience, either, take my word for it.


(just kidding)

I was hot under the collar at Target because they banned the bell ringers from the Salvation Army from their stores. I wrote an e-mail to the CEO, I sent e-mails to everyone I knew, I was on a crusade! Then I found out today that although it's true they banned the bell ringers, the Target corporation gives millions to the Salvation Army and partners with them for hurricane relief and giving gifts to needy families. Boy, do I feel stupid! I should have checked with Target when I heard the rumors, instead of going by second-hand sources. I learned this lesson before, but it's been a while and I've slept since then. No excuse, I know. Hopefully this time it will stick and I'll remember next time I'm faced with some news that disturbs me so. Go straight to the source to verify information - straight to the SOURCE.

Interestingly, the best wisdom was given to me by two friends who are quite a bit younger than I, which added to the humility lesson. Thank goodness they were willing to tell me their thoughts and insights. I'm always open to hear - I don't want to be crusading for the wrong cause or for no cause. If I do, someone please stop me.

So, my girls and I rejoiced that we don't have to boycott Target. ~sheepish smile~ There were sighs of relief and cheers when I announced that to them tonight.

I do pray God will show me when and where I can speak up for Him. I want to put action to my beliefs and my words of commitment to Jesus Christ. Show me, Lord, and I'll do what you want me to do.

Sick Day

Well, I took a sick day today. I was still weak and achy when I woke up so I went back to bed. It's been a good day. John had taken a vacation day so we got to spend lots of time together.

The aches are starting to fade and I feel good having caught up on some tasks on my to-do list that were hanging over my head. Boy, does that feel good! Do you know the feeling? The bothersome gnawing in your stomach when your to-do list is bulging with items for you? You keep procrastinating because it is simply overwhelming and you don't even know where to start.

I've received wonderful advice about this. A wise friend once told me to think of it as a syllabus for a class in college. You look at the syllabus and become overwhelmed thinking, "I'm going to accomplish all of this by the end of the semester?!" But you don't tackle it all at once, it isn't all due at once. You take one task at a time and by the end of the semester, lo and behold, you made it! Of course this same friend was very frugal and would follow me around with a calculator as I bought cans of Diet Coke, telling me how much I would save if I stopped buying soda. I didn't listen to that little smidgen of advice!

Back to the To-Do list dilemma: My mom told me years ago, "Just start one thing, it doesn't matter which one, and once you get going you'll feel better." She was right! Like when the dishes are piled up so high you think it will take a few weeks of elbow grease just to see countertop again. It's so much easier to walk away and think "I'll do it later." Nevermind that the neighborhood cockroaches are moving in and setting up a fiesta in your honor among the dried-on taco salad plates. Getting started is the hard part. That's true for many obstacles we face isn't it? Just getting started, taking that first step or jumping in with both feet.

We saw a skit about this on "The Amanda Show" once. Amanda was playing a superhero named, "The PROCRASTINATOR". She looked the part, complete with cape and Spandex. People would rush to her screaming for help and she would respond by striking a noble pose, hands on hips and declaring with echoing sound effect, "I will..........EVENTUALLY!" Of course she never responded in time. Don't wait too long, or eventually may become "too late." ~grin~

The roaches will have to find another spot to party. Sorry guys.

Got a plan

I am sitting here paying bills and planning for the months ahead. As usual, I have a nervous stomach ache looking at our obligations and the limited income to fulfill them. I put off this task until absolutely necessary and a big reason for that is because it's like an accusation staring me in the face. We would be ahead and able to handle things if I wasn't such a spendthrift. The guilt piles up when I think of that and how if I was not this way our life would probably have been easier all along -- even since we got married. I guess there's no use crying over spilt milk, or even spent dollars, but I truly feel sorry about it. This bi-weekly/monthly task always has me wishing I could time travel back and undo some stupid decisions in the past. Sure, my hubby went along with some of these not-so-smart ideas, but I am responsible for the lion's share.

While contemplating the next month's bills a little voice spoke to me and helped me think of a "quasi-plan" to help me get over my impulsive-spending-mental illness. (Yes, God, I'm listening...) I am going to leave my debit card in my dresser drawer at home and use cash for groceries, gas, etc. If I don't have the cash, I don't buy. It will help a lot, I think, because the debit card is SO EASY to use and those little purchases add up in unbelievable ways.

I wonder how I got this way. We all have our hangups, right? This is mine, in a big way. I am in the process of boycotting Target because of their policies anti-Salvation Army bellringers, and anti-"Christmas" but I'm thinking there will be a bonus in that I won't be in that store. Target has always held the prize for being the most tempting, tantalizing bazaar in which you find all kinds of trinkets, sweaters, CD's, and home decor you didn't realize you NEEDED until you saw them there.

Hopefully it's not too late for my daughters to see a "new me" as far as money is concerned. This is one legacy I don't want to pass along to them. Please, Lord, protect them from a future of being a slave to money, spending, and debt. You know that memory swipe in "Men in Black"? Maybe you could perform that on my sweet girls and implant good, sensible thoughts in there instead!

If you read this, say a prayer for me. I know Jesus will help me conquer this, if I do my part. It would be wonderful to be released from the bondage of the debt and always being behind syndrome. I've got to keep that in sight - freedom, peace of mind, and knowing I'm doing what honors God with my money.

Well, back to the "necessary evil" of balancing the checking account.

Almost Escaped It...

The cold that has been going around my household for the last two weeks finally nabbed me today. I thought I might just get past this episode and elude the pesky bacteria this time. Well, it's a good excuse to sit down and stare into oblivion, play Nintendo for a few hours, nod off open-mouthed on the sofa, and be pampered a bit by the spouse. There are plus sides to this, I suppose. ~grin~

My two older ones are off to the State Youth Convention for a few days, the youngest is at a sleep-over, and my sweetie is up at the church for a wedding rehearsal. I ate some leftover Thanksgiving food and watched TV in quiet solitude for a few hours. That is a rare and precious commodity at this stage of my life, the quiet solitude that is. I know it will be too much like that in several years when the girls are grown so I'll happily take it in small doses right now.

I was going to wait up for my hubby, but it's getting late. Off to bed, I tell myself. ~sniffle~

Happy Turkey Day

Well, another Thanksgiving is winding down. It's been a great day! Our family was just chillin' together. It was brilliantly sunny outside, but the wind was very cold. We even built a fire in the fireplace today - that was wonderful. We need to get some firewood though, as we kept it going with little sticks and twigs and that didn't last long, as I'm sure you can imagine. :) The turkey turned out well, as did all the other "fare" and we have very happy tummies now as we're lounging on the sofa and watching "Sister Act" on TV. (great line: "if this becomes a nun's bar, I'm outta here") Everyone needs a day like this once in a while. Lately I think I need a day like this everyday. Hmmmmmm....nah, that would get old pretty quickly.

Here's a little thankful list: (only scratches the surface)
My family, immediate and extended
Friends you can laugh with (ask the girls about this one) ha!
The love and forgiveness of God, through Jesus' sacrifice
Food
Clothes
Our home
Sunny, the sweet desert doggy
Sunny days
MUSIC!
The beauty of nature
Chocolate
Hugs
........just to mention a few

Like lil' Junior Asparagus sings on the Veggie Tales video, "A thankful heart is a happy heart." Too true, Junior, too true.

Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!

I am so wimpy! My "flesh" is weak, even though my spirit longs for self-discipline. I have long struggled with careless spending of money, not large amounts at one time, just little stuff here and there that is not really necessary and drains the cash. I also had made it two months without diet coke and now have begun to drink it pretty regularly again. ARGH! That motivation I had initially to quit is gone and I wish it would come back.

I think it all boils down to self-satisfaction. I am a slave to it evidently. I let my wants and desires govern my actions. I can empathize with the frustration the apostle Paul expressed when he wrote, "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." (Romans 7:18-19) "When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (verses 23-25)

I'm at square one again. When I wasn't drinking soda, I was amazed to find dollars in my wallet for longer than ever before. It felt so good! Why is it the memory of that success and how good it feels isn't enough to keep me on track? I think it's a lesson in self-denial. I know I need to learn it. It's doubly difficult in our culture, where "self" is worshipped as the almighty diety in each of our lives and whatever satisfies "self" is the answer.

I guess this is why Jesus said that few choose the narrow path, but many choose the wide and easy road, which leads ultimately to destruction. It's as if there are lots of exit ramps from the narrow path, on which Satan tries to lure us onto the broad and seemingly blissful way he offers. There might be signs that read things like, "Exit 23: Harmless Addictions that Satisfy" or "Exit 62: Delicious Splurges for Fun". Thank Jesus there are also exit ramps from the broad way back to the narrow path with Jesus. We are so fortunate He is the Savior of another chance. (and another, and another...)

Diet coke isn't evil or necessarily harmful to me, but the behavior is one that needs to be excised from my heart. It would be one less area of "infection" in my spirit. No wonder I felt so free and peaceful when I was making headway a few months back. "Throw off everything that hinders and the sin which so easily entangles..." Hebrews 12:1

The words of Paul resonate in my heart whenever I read them, including these... "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (II Corinthians 12:7-10)

Flashback

This past weekend, I got a phone message from my doctor's office saying, "Dr. wants you to come back for another blood test." Since the nurse did not say the reason in the message, my thoughts immediately lurched to the idea that something was wrong and that maybe my cancer had come back. The tiny fear that it will come back is always lurking in my mind. Maybe it will...someday. Maybe not. I just remind myself to fall back into the arms of Jesus and again relinquish control over my life to Him. Whether or not it comes back, He is my Lord and Savior and He will take me through it all.

It turns out that my blood sugar was a little high and they needed to do a glucose tolerance test. It was a big relief to hear that! While I was at the hospital lab registering, getting the test and waiting, in my mind I flashed back to when I was sitting in that same spot two years ago getting ready for my bone scan and CT scan the day before my mastectomy. It almost brought me to tears. I was sitting there thinking, "Why is this making me emotional? I'm fine now and cancer-free." Perhaps it is emotion that hasn't fully been expressed from all I thought and felt that week back in September of 2003. After my surgery I was so groggy from the anesthesia that I feel like I don't remember much of my hospital stay. I remember two of my nurses (who were very caring) and remember discovering the drains that were attached to me post-surgery and wondering what they were. I remember the next day when I had a sponge bath (that hot water and soap on the washcloth felt so good) and sat up in the chair. My husband and girls came to see me and said they saw me through the window, sitting in the chair, and got excited that I was doing better.

I remember the morning I was supposed to be discharged my dad came to see me before he went back to work in Anderson, IN. It was early, about 6:00 a.m. My surgeon, Dr. Billy, came by and said that my blood levels were low and I was going to have to stay longer. My dad was there when I got that news and comforted me as I cried, wondering what was around the bend. He prayed for me and hugged me. His hand holding mine and warm smile were just the comfort I needed. He was the love of Jesus for me at that moment. Then, the surgeon came back in and asked if they had taken the blood from the same arm that I had the IV in. They had and the IV fluid had diluted my blood. When they took the IV out and tested my blood again it was fine and I was able to go home that day! Praise the Lord!

I remember a volunteer from the American Cancer Society coming to talk to me about my surgery, a temporary prosthesis for me to wear in my bra, and support groups. I remember looking at the soft, little nylon pouch she had brought, filled with pillow stuffing and saying to her, "That's going to be too big." She laughed and showed me that you could pull stuffing out to make it just right. While we visited, I floated in and out of consciousness on a cloud of morphine. Even though I would fall asleep right in the middle of sentences, she was very gracious and kind.

Whatever the case, I am thankful it is behind me at this point and for now I feel better than I ever have in my life. Every day is sweeter, every movement a blessing, every event more memorable, every hug more comforting. I praise God for my life as it is today. That's all he promised - today.

Diet Coke free

Hey, I made it (so far) and haven't had any diet coke for about two weeks now. I'm feeling great and drinking water like it's going out of style. I also chew quite a bit of gum. I just need to have something in my mouth! I saw a billboard the other day advertising a new diet coke made with splenda and had a fleeting thought of "Hey, I could drink that instead!" But knowing I'm an all or nothing kind of person, I decided to stay away from it altogether. I still crave it from time to time and miss drinking something sweet, but most of the time it's no big deal.

Haiku

sun shines warm and bright
coaxing little buds to bloom
joy radiating



(I helped a student write haikus today and it made me want to try)

Mastectomy

The day of surgery arrived. We had to get up very early so we could be at the surgery center by 6:00 a.m. My parents had come to be with us and were going to help the girls get off to school before they came to the hospital. My surgery was schedule for 8:00 a.m. It was Friday, September 12th, 2003.

When we were signed in and waiting to be called back, one of my friends from church walked through the hospital doors. She had come on her way to work just to see me and encourage me. It meant to much to me to see her! We hugged and talked briefly, not sure what to talk about. We prayed together and she went on her way.

They called me back and said they would call John back to stay with me in a few minutes. I was taken to a surgery waiting room, like a little hospital room with a bed, TV, closet, and small bathroom. I changed into the hospital gown and waited on the bed. They brought John back to the room to sit with me. The nurses came in periodically and asked questions, the anesthesiologist came to talk with me about the procedure and his part in it. Then Dr. Billy came by. He greeted us, then examined my chest area briefly, marked the left side with a pen and was about to leave the room when I asked him, "Did you get the results of the scans yesterday?" (They were to determine if cancer had spread anywhere else in my body) He turned his head halfway around and said, "Oh yeah, they were normal. They'll come get you soon, Michele." John reached to hug me as we cried a few tears of relief and praised God together. At least it has not spread anywhere else!

They came to wheel me to my surgery before my parents arrived so I didn't see them until afterward. One moment I'm riding the gurney to the operating room, then falling asleep in an instant from the anesthesia. I time-traveled once again and the next moment of consciousness for me was when I awoke in recovery.

It seems the nurses were there as soon as I awoke, hovering over me, checking the dressings, IV and other things I wasn't even aware of. I remember feeling some pain from the incision, but more intense was a feeling of sadness. The tears came quickly and I let them come. The nurses thought it was because of the pain, but I was mourning the loss of part of my body. They put more pain killer in my IV and wheeled me to my room. My family was waiting for me, but I can't really tell you what they said or much else about that moment. I was floating on a morphine cloud and was in and out peaceful sleep the rest of the day.

Pre-Surgery Tests

The day before my mastectomy, I had a CT scan and bone scan. The world of medicine and technology are so fascinating to me. It is literally mind boggling the things they can do now to examine the body and treat disease. I have often thought that I am glad I was born in this time period when medicine is so advanced, rather than during a time in history when doctors knew so much less and the techniques of treatment could be frightening, not to mention ineffective.

At any rate, before the CT scan I had to drink two cupfuls of a "syruppy" orange-flavored liquid. At first it tasted sweet, kind of like thick kool-aid and I thought it would be no big deal. But there was a weird aftertaste and before long I was having to utilize all my willpower to keep from throwing up. I thought I'd never down that stuff - whew! About a half-hour later, they had me come into a room with a huge doughnut-shaped machine and lay down on a long, narrow table that extended through the hole in the machine. They gave me instructions and left the room. I could hear the technicians talking in a windowed room behind me as I had the test. The little table slid way out to the front, and then slowly slid through the hole of the big "doughnut". A computerized voice would tell me sometimes to hold my breath, and then when to exhale. I had to be completely still.

Then the tech injected a dye into the IV port that had been put in my arm early that morning. It made my insides feel unnaturally warm, especially in my lower abdomen and groin area. A few more slides through the doughnut and I was done.

We then went to another part of the hospital for my bone scan. Early that morning the nurse had injected me with a small amount of radiocactive material that would show up on these scans. Initially, I was brought to a room with a huge, white disk-shaped machine. It was mounted onto two big "arms" so that it could be tilted up or down. I was instructed bend over, stand and lean my backside up against the disk so they could scan my hip bones and legs. I'm sure the technicians become accustomed to seeing patients in these funny, sometimes embarassing poses, but it was a little awkward for me nonetheless. Luckily you can have this test and remain clothed! The tech sat down at a computer and pressed some keys. Soon, a ghostly image of a pelvis and leg bones appeared that grew brighter and more detailed in 10-15 seconds time. It was me! I was looking at my own hip and leg bones. Then they had me sit with my head leaning against the big disk and I could see out of the corner of my eye a side view of my skull. This was so fascinating!

A few more scans and the technician left the room to prepare another machine for me to be scanned with. While he was gone, curiousity got the best of me. I held my hands up to the disk and watched as my hand bones appeared on the monitor. I put my whole arm up against the disk and saw my elbow and arm bones. I leaned the side of my head against it and opened my mouth wide to see my jaw. As I was doing this the tech came back in. He just smiled at me. I'm sure other patients have tried that, too! He took me to a room that was dimly lit with a long narrow table and huge white cameras mounted over and under it. I laid on the table as the cameras very slowly scanned me from head to foot. They moved so slowly I could barely tell they were moving. Overhead in place of typical plastic in front of the lights, there was a beautiful, brightly colored image of a flowering tree against a blue sky, like a spring day. It was silent and peaceful and I drifted off to sleep. When it was over, the tech woke me up and said "There you are." I looked at the computer and saw my entire skeleton on screen.

The end of the diet coke "addiction"?

I found out that aspartame may actually make us fat! It causes bursts of insulin to be released and may actually lead to more fat being stored! Isn't that ironic? I've been a diet coke lover ever since it was introduced years ago, but I think the time has come to admit my vice and surrender it in the name of health and common sense.

So, watch out, because the very foods we buy and eat to keep our weight down may actually be keeping it up.

Yowsa.

"Parenthood: The Ride"

A friend of mine and I were talking recently on the phone and comparing stories about being mothers of teens and pre-teens. We began to liken the experience with that of riding on a rollercoaster: thrilling, fun and frightening all at the same time.

Sometimes you are coasting. The cart is gliding smoothly along the tracks over little hills and easy turns. You're actually enjoying the scenery around you. It's so wonderful when the family is seated around the dinner table caught up in the fun of the "How was your day?" chatter and the antics of the youngest child as she tries to get a laugh out of her older sisters. These girls can make us laugh until we can't see, because our eyes are all scrunched up and our stomachs hurt from the laughing. We snuggle on the couch watching movies and eating popcorn, pray together, go to the park to play, walk and talk.

This "Hallmark" moment is interrupted as you suddenly find yourself plummeting down a steep hill and through a tunnel where everything goes pitch black and the noises get loud, the shrieks of your fellow riders echoing in your ears. You think to yourself, "I've never been the parent of a teenager before!" You are bewildered as you try to help your pre-teen daughter who's starting to grow up but doesn't really want to. She's leaning towards independence but not feeling confident yet. She is becoming more responsible but feels immature. She's experiencing those pesky hormonal rushes of emotion that lead to temper tantrums, sudden bursts of tears, and fits of silly girlish giggles that can't be explained (and that could be just in the last 20 minutes).

Coming out of the black tunnel with hands clasped over your ears and a ridiculous expression of terror on your face, the light and open air brings relief and you relax, but only for a moment as you look ahead and see a huge hill. The cart lurches and starts to creep up the hill, the clackety-clack of the track seems to add to the dread of the big drop that is coming. Your oldest daughter is looking more like a young woman and less like a child. She is wanting to spend more time with her friends and in her room than with the family. She is talking of driving in a year and a half! She is going off babysitting, chatting with girls (and boys) on the computer, and as a friend so kindly reminded you, in the next 10 years she could be married with a child or two! The climb to the top is almost unbearable. Is this bar secure enough? Did I realize what I was getting into when I got on this ride? What if something goes wrong? What if my daughters make bad choices? Lord, I'm so thankful for my daughters and I know they believe in You. Please keep them safe. Please keep them close to You. Please fill in and make up for my mistakes and short-comings when I don't know what to do. Please don't let them fall!

The clacking stops and the rollercoaster cart starts to smoothly edge forward. I can see a gorgeous view from up here. It takes my breath away. The possibilities and potential of these girls is beautiful, Lord. You have made them that way. I've learned so much, but have so much still to learn.

The peaceful solace lasts only for a moment...
because you are beginning the descent...
the cart picks up speed...

and soon you're zooming straight down with your stomach in your throat, your hair blown back by the breeze, and a huge smile on your face.

Raise your hands! Go ahead - God is in control.
Enjoy the ride along with all the other parents who sit beside you, daring to lift their hands, too.

Dr. Dorr

I will always remember my first visit to Dr. Dorr's office. As I walked up to the door I looked at the sign on it that said "Hematology Oncology Consultants". I never thought I'd need an oncologist, a cancer doctor. The waiting room was a little dim. There were no windows, aside from the little window that slides open so the receptionist can greet you. The TV was on and a soap opera was in progress. I walked by an end table hoping to find something to read, but the table was littered with medical journals and brochures for head coverings (for those who lose their hair during chemotherapy). It was a dreary first impression. I sat down and just leaned my head back, closing my eyes and waiting. Once they called me in and took my vital signs, they led me to the exam room to wait for the doctor. At least that room had a window!

The door opened and in walked a young woman with glasses, long curly hair, and a warm smile. She introduced herself to me, looked at my chart and proclaimed, "You're going to be fine!" She explained about my cancer and how it comes about, how it spreads, and about the various treatments. She said that because it was so small we probably caught it in the early stages and from the way she shared, I felt I had nothing to fear. Her cheerful confidence was like a gust of wind underneath my wilting hope. She never stopped smiling as we talked and answered all the questions that came spilling out of me. I left her office and practically flew to my car feeling renewed and ready to face this ordeal... and beat it.
...
Incidentally, I wrote them a letter about my waiting room experience suggesting they might cheer it up a bit for their patients. The next time I visited, there was an brightly lit aquarium, another lamp, and lots of magazines!

John

Do you know what a wonderful husband I have? The night before my surgery as we laid in bed, he held me tight. I cried a little and told him I was dreading my soon-to-be deformed body with only one breast. He said, "It will save your life and that's what matters to me."

I love him.

Diagnosis

Romans 8:39 “Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

“I have breast cancer.” The realization was slowly sinking in. My husband had gone down to the lobby to get me a drink since I thought I was going to pass out. I sat in the empty waiting room, staring at the floor, thoughts whirling inside my head. The surgeon’s wife, also his receptionist, came out to sit with me and squeezed my hand. The tears began to come and I confessed to her that I was afraid. “It’s natural to be afraid,” she told me as she hugged me close to her. “I want you to know something, though. Dr. Billy and I believe in prayer and we have been praying for you all week, knowing the possible diagnosis you would face.” When she said those words, a wonderful peace washed over me. Instantly, I realized that my situation was no surprise to the Lord. He had gone on ahead; even sent me to a surgeon who would lift me up in prayer! That was evidence to me that my heavenly Father was there, and He was working on my behalf. Psalm 139:3 says, “You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment you know where I am.”

Just finally knowing what this little invading lump in my body was, brought me relief after the initial shock. This assurance of God's reality and help in my ordeal gave me strength. Going to work the next day was difficult, because all my friends were waiting to hear the results and my emotions were stretched to their limit from the waiting and then finally getting the results I feared. When I got out of my car Tuesday morning to go into the school where I work, I couldn't stop crying. I got back into the car and prayed, "Lord, I can't do this. You're going to have to help me face my friends and go on." I opened the door, sniffed and took a deep breath and walked into the building. My friends were so supportive and loving and the day went fine. The scripture that says, "I can do anything through CHRIST who gives me strength." (Phil. 4:13) is true and was true for me that day.

Salty Christians

Have you heard the little saying, "Be a salty Christian so you can make others thirsty for Jesus" ?

This is a good reminder. Are we adding flavor to our surroundings, to the conversations we participate in, to the workplace, the home, the errands around town? Do we preserve and heal situations we're involved in? Or have we lost our flavor and influence in the circles where we work, play, and live?

Lord, keep me full of flavor and active for you. I know that I have to leave the salt shaker, too, and can't just stay in a little comfort cocoon. Pour me out, scatter me where you will, and even if I can't see the effect in those around me, please let my life have some lasting effect for you. That's all I want, Jesus. I want to be salty.

Easter Poem, written April 2004

Guilt, shame, sin like a heavy burden crushes me.
I have no hope if you don’t set me free.

I’m not worthy of your love, Jesus, Savior,
I’m so sorry...please forgive me...forgive me.

Hope, love, acceptance shine like warm sunshine on my face.
Hallelujah! I’m saved! Jesus took my place.

The only thing I can do to thank you
is to give my life to You.


Thank you Jesus!

Cancer is So Limited

What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited…
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot destroy peace,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot conquer the spirit.
- Source unknown

My dad sent this to me in an e-mail, the morning after my diagnosis. It encouraged me so much!