Flashback

This past weekend, I got a phone message from my doctor's office saying, "Dr. wants you to come back for another blood test." Since the nurse did not say the reason in the message, my thoughts immediately lurched to the idea that something was wrong and that maybe my cancer had come back. The tiny fear that it will come back is always lurking in my mind. Maybe it will...someday. Maybe not. I just remind myself to fall back into the arms of Jesus and again relinquish control over my life to Him. Whether or not it comes back, He is my Lord and Savior and He will take me through it all.

It turns out that my blood sugar was a little high and they needed to do a glucose tolerance test. It was a big relief to hear that! While I was at the hospital lab registering, getting the test and waiting, in my mind I flashed back to when I was sitting in that same spot two years ago getting ready for my bone scan and CT scan the day before my mastectomy. It almost brought me to tears. I was sitting there thinking, "Why is this making me emotional? I'm fine now and cancer-free." Perhaps it is emotion that hasn't fully been expressed from all I thought and felt that week back in September of 2003. After my surgery I was so groggy from the anesthesia that I feel like I don't remember much of my hospital stay. I remember two of my nurses (who were very caring) and remember discovering the drains that were attached to me post-surgery and wondering what they were. I remember the next day when I had a sponge bath (that hot water and soap on the washcloth felt so good) and sat up in the chair. My husband and girls came to see me and said they saw me through the window, sitting in the chair, and got excited that I was doing better.

I remember the morning I was supposed to be discharged my dad came to see me before he went back to work in Anderson, IN. It was early, about 6:00 a.m. My surgeon, Dr. Billy, came by and said that my blood levels were low and I was going to have to stay longer. My dad was there when I got that news and comforted me as I cried, wondering what was around the bend. He prayed for me and hugged me. His hand holding mine and warm smile were just the comfort I needed. He was the love of Jesus for me at that moment. Then, the surgeon came back in and asked if they had taken the blood from the same arm that I had the IV in. They had and the IV fluid had diluted my blood. When they took the IV out and tested my blood again it was fine and I was able to go home that day! Praise the Lord!

I remember a volunteer from the American Cancer Society coming to talk to me about my surgery, a temporary prosthesis for me to wear in my bra, and support groups. I remember looking at the soft, little nylon pouch she had brought, filled with pillow stuffing and saying to her, "That's going to be too big." She laughed and showed me that you could pull stuffing out to make it just right. While we visited, I floated in and out of consciousness on a cloud of morphine. Even though I would fall asleep right in the middle of sentences, she was very gracious and kind.

Whatever the case, I am thankful it is behind me at this point and for now I feel better than I ever have in my life. Every day is sweeter, every movement a blessing, every event more memorable, every hug more comforting. I praise God for my life as it is today. That's all he promised - today.